This article is not intended as a defense of any ideological or political stance. In fact, it really seeks to shed light on the isloated issue of racism, which may even contribute to today’s political discourse—or, let’s say, the ongoing battles.

I want to focus on the psychological response to racism and the reasons behind the outrage it typically triggers. I can share from my own experiences, which, fortunately, are not extensive. 

Let’s first distinguish between two different scenarios:

• A stranger makes a racial slur.
• Someone you know—perhaps even a friend—makes a racial slur.

Why does it hurt when a stranger makes a racial remark? After all, they don’t know you, so a personal affront seems impossible. But here’s the answer: since they are a stranger, they symbolically represent everyone—every stranger. This person embodies “the society”. If they insult you, why wouldn’t another person do the same? Maybe not today, but tomorrow? So, it lingers in the back of your mind: the expectation that another person might insults you. Every time you encounter someone new, that expectation of another potential insult remains, even if it’s only latent.

Of course, you can—and hopefully will—narrow the scope from “society” to “an idiot within society” or even “an ignorant, frustrated young person abandoned by life,” etc. This mental work helps a lot in preventing the feeling that the entire world has insulted you. But that’s still a process on your part. And it’s well-intentioned work that, understandably, you can’t always rely on.

What happens is that a peaceful society suddenly feels dark and unwelcoming.

Other insults like being called “ugly,” “fat,” “thin,” “dumb,” “impolite,” etc. hurt, but they still fit within the context of society. You can (if you choose) work on those things. But you can’t change your race. So, an unbridgeable gap forms, surrounding you and isolating you from society.

The second case is when someone you know, perhaps even a friend, makes a racial remark, often disguised as a “joke”. This is probably worse than the first, because you’ve felt connected to that person, relating to them and investing in the relationship, with the potential for a deeper bond in the future. You’ve shared experiences and committed to the relationship, finding joy in the lessening of individual differences for the sake of that connection. But with a racial remark, the entire bridge collapses. It’s not just that you feel hurt; you feel foolish for having invested energy into building that bridge in the first place.

The collapse doesn’t happen because you can’t bear jokes; it happens because you now understand how the person sees you. You never thought about race before, but suddenly you realize that this person that you trusted so much, views you as an outsider. The insult doesn’t lie only in their racism or their need for education—it lies in the realization that you were always an alien in their eyes all along.

Sometimes, when the remark is clearly intended as a joke, the insult isn’t in the racist tone of the joke itself, but in the fact that the person didn’t consider you. Even if you aren’t offended by the joke itself, perhaps because you even tell similar jokes, the reason of “personal offense” is triggered by the disappointment of not being considered.

Again, this article is not intended to be political, it’s simply a personal, psychological perspective on the issue. I’m not suggesting that language should be censored to prevent any possible offense, nor that racism should be tolerated on a large scale. My focus is just on the personal aspect, which hopefully strengthens person-to-person relationships, since these are the real and true foundation of a healthy society. Rather than starting with society as a whole, it’s important to first understand the personal level and what lies behind these interactions.